Wishful (Probably for nothing)

It’s that time of year

I’m told a time of cheer

But it seems to have passed me by

My cheer is just a poorly hidden lie

There’s only one of me

But there needs to be at least three

To be here, there, and everywhere

How is that even fair?

I travel so far for family and friends

Give it my all until the very end

So, I could go on and on…  Ever since Thanksgiving, my life has just been unravelled.  So, I guess the state of my current mood is pretty obvious.  But I will say, I’m thankful that my parents are coming up to see Shawn and I for Christmas.  That’s more than I could have expected.  And believe me, my expectations right now are pretty low, Filine’s Basement, Rock Bottom low.

What’s the point of expecting anything?  I mean, people always do what’s easy.  In this day and age, technology is God and real people are of no consequence.  You know what’s easy for me?  Discarding expectations, not bothering to leave the house, realizing that I was just an unwanted pawn in some one else’s end game.

So, I’ve stopped waiting for calls I know will never come.  I mean, I wasn’t all that important anyway, right? There’s nothing quite like feeling like a complete failure for the holidays.

With that said, my next blogs will be back to normal, a facade of hidden heartbreak behind a fake smile.  I think the hardest part is knowing I did everything I was able to.  And how foolish I was to expect the same respect.

In the spirit of the holidays, and in an effort to keep the suicide rate to a manageable level, I push my sadness back down into the pit of my soul, pull up my socks, and continue to fight like a brave for, well, a whole lot of nothing.

Thnks fr th Mmrs, now I’ll go try to pick out what was real.

Happy Freakin Holiday’s Folks.  It can only get better, right? (Here’s hoping, probably for nothing).

(Holiday Sidenote:  In case you see me smile this Holiday Season, keep in mind, I probably just thought about the cast of Friends and how they still have a good 10 years on me.  Even disbanded at least the Friends Cast can still make me smile.  Gods love em!)

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2 Responses to Wishful (Probably for nothing)

  1. Alright….who stole your smile and where can I find them??
    This is not you! Whatever is happening, it’s not you…its whomever this asshole is that’s done this to you! You are better than this sadness!
    Don’t make me drop “Prince” off with you (and run back across the boarder before you can give him back!)
    I love you, honey. And we miss you immensely.

    • Mala says:

      Just sent you a message about it… It’s pretty heart wrenching… But apparently, it’s not important… And I’m just left wondering why… Why bother at all? Why build me up to tear me down…. Years wasted, I guess.

      Love you and miss you all very much!!! ❤

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